Resolving the Unresolved
by Candy Tymson -
Do you have someone in your life who you dread running into? I'm not talking about the person who you find boring, or the one who 'bends your ear' every time you meet. I'm referring to the one with whom you have an unresolved issue. It could be a current or former work colleague, perhaps an ex-lover, maybe a member of your family.
I recently completed a questionnaire that listed 100 statements in areas including money, relationships, physical environment and well-being and invited me to confess how my life was structured. Questions like: "I have nothing around the house or in storage that I do not need"; "I am in relationships with people who can assist in my career/professional development" and "I quickly correct miscommunications and misunderstandings when they do occur".
Then I read the one that really hit home: "there is no-one whom I would dread or feel uncomfortable 'running across' (in the street, at an airport or party)". How would you react to such a question? We all have them, matters that have been left unresolved because quiet frankly we just didn't know what to say - or didn't want to be the first to say apologize.
Banishing Blame - When things go wrong our natural tendency is to blame - usually the other person! The only problem is blame can be a major handicap when working towards a resolution. Whether spoken or not, the problem revolves around the question of who is to blame. Who is wrong? Who should apologise? By focusing on blame, we inhibit our ability to learn what really is causing the problem, and how to fix it.
Have you considered that by blaming others, you are actually giving them the role of 'accused person'. What do accused people do? They defend themselves any way they can.
So, what to do about it? In their book "Difficult Conversations", The Harvard team of Stone, Patton & Heen, say: "At its heart, blame is about judging. Rather than blaming others they recommend focusing on contribution, which is about understanding."
Contribution is useful when our goal is to understand what actually happened so that you can move forward to resolve things because generally speaking, when things go wrong in human relationships, everyone has contributed in some important way.
It may be that offense was taken by something that was said, maybe someone was too sensitive, and perhaps they were only focusing on things from their perspective and didn't consider the other person's point of view. Previous bad experiences could have coloured the outcome of this experience … the list goes on and on.
Speak Up - Some years ago I was sharing an office with a colleague and it just wasn't working out. I felt that I was doing everything and that he was doing nothing. I was looking after all the administration involved in running an office while he; well he wasn't doing anything to contribute. Well, that's how I saw it!
I just got more and more annoyed. Every time I did something, such as collect the mail, clean up the kitchen, arranged for the photocopier to be repaired - I just got more annoyed. One day, it all got too much and I blasted him. He was genuinely taken aback. He had no idea that I felt I was doing everything. And why would he? I'd never said anything!
Why do we expect people to be mind readers? We mutter about things behind their backs, we loudly complain to our friends - but we never actually SAY anything to the person concerned. And so what starts out as a small annoying thing just grows and grows and before you know it you are resentful and full of blame. And that's when the trouble really starts because it is so easy to justify your position when you feel like that, isn't it? Try this instead:
* Take responsibility for your own reaction
* Speak up immediately you have a problem
* Tell the person how it is for you, from your point of view
* Ask them how it is for them, from their point of view
* Talk about how you can solve things in a way that works for the both of you
Sounds easy in theory doesn't it and we all know that there will be times when you can't get a solution or are unable to agree. From my experience though, the fact that the issue is out in the open, that we are willing to discuss it and are actively looking for an answer, makes things so much better, and easier to deal with. And those two simple words, "I apologize" can do so much to start to mend things.